Perfectionism and the Cost of the Perfect Person Olympics
Perfectionism often feels like a never-ending race we never signed up for, but one we feel compelled to win. Let’s call it the Perfect Person Olympics. The events vary: being the best at work, the most thoughtful partner, the most reliable friend, or even the healthiest, kindest, or most “self-aware” person. The problem is, no matter how hard we try, the medal ceremony never comes. The rules keep changing, the finish line moves farther away, and we’re left exhausted from striving toward an impossible ideal.
What if I told you that the pursuit of perfection is actually holding you back from the life you want? I remember this vividly from my time working in an agency setting. I had volunteered to write up an incident report on a series of fiascos—failures far beyond the scope of what one person could control. But as I reread my draft, something struck me: I had overemphasized my tiny role in the situation, as though taking responsibility for the systemic issues would somehow redeem me in the eyes of some invisible judge.
I can still feel the knot in my stomach as I sat at my desk, staring at the screen. My heart raced, and my inner critic whispered, “If you just word this perfectly, maybe they’ll see how hard you’re trying. Maybe they’ll forgive you for not fixing everything.” It wasn’t until later, when I shared the draft with a trusted colleague, that I realized the truth: I was competing in an unwinnable event. Call it “Best Employee in a Broken System.” And no matter how much I polished that report, I wasn’t going to win.
The Origins of Perfectionism
In therapy, I often see perfectionism as a protective strategy. It arises as a way to maintain control in uncertain situations or avoid the pain of criticism, failure, or rejection. For gifted and neurodivergent clients especially, perfectionism can be deeply tied to identity: “If I’m not exceptional, what am I?” But this logic is a trap, because it positions self-worth as conditional—something that must constantly be earned rather than something intrinsic.
Philosophically, perfectionism can be seen as an attempt to impose order on life’s inherent chaos. It tells us that if we just work hard enough, plan thoroughly enough, or appear flawless enough, we can shield ourselves from discomfort or loss. But perfectionism isn’t rooted in our values—it’s rooted in fear. While striving for excellence aligns with who we are and what we care about, striving for perfection aligns with external expectations, outdated internal voices, or the belief that mistakes make us unworthy.
How to Step Off the Podium
The key to escaping the Perfect Person Olympics isn’t abandoning ambition—it’s rewriting the rules. Perfectionism isn’t the problem; it’s the story we’ve attached to it: that our worth depends on flawless performance. By rewriting that story, we can let go of the podium and start building a life that feels messy, joyful, and human.
Here’s an exercise you can try when you notice yourself striving for “perfection”:
The Perfect Person Olympics Exercise
1. Name Your Event: Ask yourself, “What event am I competing in right now?” Maybe it’s “Best Therapist Ever,” “Most Productive Human,” or “Perfect Daughter.” Be honest and playful with the name—it helps you see how absurd these competitions can be.
2. Spot the Judge: Who’s handing out the medals in this competition? Is it a critical voice in your head, a parent’s approval you’ve been chasing, or perhaps societal expectations about what success looks like? Often, the judge reflects outdated external voices that no longer align with your values.
3. Rewrite the Rules: If the goal isn’t perfection, what could it be instead? For example:
- Instead of “I need to be the best therapist,” try “I want to be present and curious with my clients.”
- Instead of “I have to look flawless at this event,” reframe it as “I want to feel comfortable and true to myself.”
4. Take a Bow, Even Without the Gold: Celebrate the effort you’re putting into showing up as yourself, imperfections and all. The irony of the Perfect Person Olympics is that you’re already winning by stepping into the arena of your life—no medal required.
Reframing Perfectionism with Compassion
When perfectionism whispers that we need to be flawless to be loved or worthy, what it’s really saying is, “I’m afraid of what will happen if I’m not perfect.” That fear deserves curiosity, not judgment. It deserves self-compassion and a closer look at the values it’s trying to protect.
For example:
- Value: “I want to be good at my job because I care about helping people.”
- Perfectionism’s Fear: “If I mess up, I’ll hurt someone or look incompetent.”
- Reframe: “I can still care deeply about my work without expecting myself to be perfect. Mistakes are part of growth.”
A Note on Excellence vs. Perfection
Excellence aligns with who we are and what we value—it’s the pursuit of growth, authenticity, and fulfillment. Perfection, on the other hand, seeks to protect us from fear and rejection by trying to make us invulnerable. The beauty of letting go of perfectionism isn’t that we stop caring—it’s that we start caring about the right things.
Here’s your invitation: Step off the podium. Let go of the invisible judges and the impossible standards. Embrace the messy, beautiful process of being human. The next time perfectionism whispers that you’re not enough, remind yourself: You don’t need a gold medal to be worthy. You already are.