The Curious Paradox: Why Accepting Yourself is the First Step Toward Change
On my birthday, Wyatt and I decided to float along the lazy river at Schlitterbahn, surrounded by laughter and sunshine. But inside, I felt a deep sense of devastation. That moment, strange as it sounds, brought Carl Rogers’ paradox into sharp focus for me:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
For a long time, I believed that change required constant effort—pushing myself harder, ignoring my limits, and rejecting the parts of me that felt like obstacles. But that day on the river, as I faced the reality of my own needs, I realized that self-acceptance isn’t about giving up. It’s about creating the space where real change can unfold.
A Story of Acceptance and Change
For years, I had been pushing myself to keep up in an agency setting. The work mattered, but the pace and the pressure were taking a toll. I convinced myself that if I could just try harder, find better strategies to cope, or push through the exhaustion, I could make it work.
On my birthday, Wyatt and I went to Schlitterbahn. As we floated along the lazy river, I couldn’t ignore the growing awareness that I couldn’t keep going. I wasn’t just tired—I was at a breaking point.
The lazy river, designed for relaxation, became a mirror for my inner conflict. The current was steady, asking nothing of me but to float. And yet, I was resisting—trying to control the direction, fighting the flow, even though I knew I was only making it harder on myself.
It was in that moment that I realized: The river wasn’t asking me to fight it—it was inviting me to let go. I didn’t need to swim upstream anymore. By accepting my limitations, I was free to search for a path that would support me in a way I could sustain. Over time, that clarity led me to leave agency work, seek the care I needed, and eventually find a career that allowed me to work more authentically and with more balance.
The Lazy River as a Metaphor for Integration
The lazy river wasn’t just a backdrop for this realization—it became a metaphor for the work of self-acceptance and integration.
• Flow and Resistance: Fighting against the current creates more exhaustion and frustration, but floating with it allows us to move with ease. In the same way, self-acceptance doesn’t stop us from growing—it helps us move with less resistance and more intention.
• Control and Trust: Floating doesn’t mean relinquishing all control. You still guide yourself when necessary, but you trust the current to do the heavy lifting. Self-acceptance is similar—it’s about finding balance between surrendering and being intentional.
• Integration of Parts: Just as a river is made up of both calm and turbulent waters, self-acceptance requires us to embrace all parts of ourselves—the good, the bad, the complex—and let them flow together. It’s not about fixing one part; it’s about allowing everything to move in concert.
Integration isn’t about forcing change or rejecting parts of ourselves—it’s about letting them coexist and trusting that the current of life will carry us toward growth.
Why Acceptance Enables Change
When we reject or judge ourselves, we create internal resistance. This resistance often shows up as:
• Shame: The voice that says, “You’re not enough,” which shuts down curiosity and blocks progress.
• Denial: Avoiding the truth of where we are, which prevents us from taking meaningful steps forward.
• Rigidity: Holding too tightly to an ideal of what we “should” be, leaving no space for evolution.
Acceptance dissolves these barriers. When we accept ourselves as we are, we allow room for change without the pressure of needing to be something different right now. It’s a foundation of emotional safety that lets us grow in ways that feel natural and right.
Practical Strategies for Self-Acceptance
1. Practice Nonjudgmental Observation:
• Imagine you’re floating along the river, simply noticing the landscape around you. Spend a week observing your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors without labeling them as good or bad. Just notice. Use language like, “I notice I feel ___” or “I observe myself doing ___.”
2. Reframe Self-Talk:
• Think of reframing self-talk as gently steering your float when the current shifts. When you catch yourself being self-critical, ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend in this situation?” Extend that same kindness to yourself.
3. Explore the Paradox with Curiosity:
• Journaling prompt: “What part of me do I most want to change? What would it feel like to accept that part of myself, even if it never changed?”
4. Set Aside the ‘Fix-It’ Mindset:
• When the urge to “fix” something about yourself arises, pause. Ask, “What am I afraid will happen if I don’t change this right now?” Sometimes, simply sitting with the discomfort can reveal deeper truths.
5. Find Your River:
• Reflect on where you’re resisting the natural current in your life. Are you swimming upstream in a situation that isn’t serving you? What might it feel like to let go and trust the current for a while?
Addressing the Fear of Acceptance
It’s natural to fear that accepting ourselves will lead to stagnation. “If I accept where I am, won’t I stop trying to improve?” But acceptance doesn’t mean giving up on growth—it means shifting from a place of self-criticism to a place of curiosity and compassion.
Think of it like climbing a mountain. You can’t reach the summit unless you acknowledge where you are on the trail. Acceptance isn’t about stopping the climb—it’s about aligning yourself with where you are so you can move forward with intention.
Or, if you’re floating in a lazy river, acceptance doesn’t mean staying stuck in one spot. It means letting go of unnecessary resistance and allowing yourself to be carried by the current toward your destination.
Conclusion: The Freedom of Self-Acceptance
As I floated in that lazy river, devastated but finally honest with myself, I realized that accepting where I was wasn’t giving up. It was giving myself permission to find a current that could carry me forward in a sustainable way. That moment, though uncomfortable, changed everything for me.